Early menopause, which affects about 5% of women spontaneously, is defined as menopause beginning before the age of 40. Among those five percent, I had a hereditary condition.
I’ve known I want kids someday since I was a little child playing with baby dolls. However, going through an early menopause altered my perspective on that necessity.
I insisted on being called “little mama” by everyone when my younger brother was born when I was five years old. Since I’ve always been wonderful with infants and little children, having my own seemed inevitable.
Life then transpired.
My life was altered by fragile X syndrome
My brother’s diagnosis of fragile X syndrome (FXS), the primary genetic cause of autism and intellectual disability, was made when he was three years old after my parents realized he wasn’t meeting his developmental milestones.
X-linked genetic disorders, such as FXS, indicate It is inherited through X chromosome-related genes. Individuals who are born with two X chromosomes and are assigned to the female sex can carry this disease without actually having it.
After testing, my mother and I received the diagnosis of carriers. This implied that I had a 50% probability of infecting my own offspring with FXS.
It seems that in vitro fertilization was the answer
After doing our research, we discovered that the danger of having a child affected by FXS can be almost completely eliminated when pre-implantation genetic diagnosis (PGD) testing is combined with in vitro fertilization (IVF). After discovering this, this was my strategy.
It would be impossible to predict how low functioning one of my children may be, even though my brother is high functioning and we wouldn’t change a thing about him.
I was thirty when I tied the knot. Although my spouse and I debated when would be the best to start a family, we were never in a stable financial situation.
The Advanced Fertility Center of Chicago estimates that the average cost of IVF in the United States is between $17,000 and $20,000 for the procedures and between $3,500 and $6,000 for the drugs, neither of which is typically covered by insurance.
We thought it was time to truly delve in and explore our possibilities by the time I was 36.
Fragile X carriers may have symptoms such as neuropsychiatric disorders, pain disorders, immunological illnesses, and early menopause even if they aren’t officially “affected” by FXS.
The National Fragile X Foundation estimates that 20% of carriers will experience primary ovarian insufficiency at some point in their lives and that 7% of carriers will menopause before the age of 29.
The Advanced Fertility Center of Chicago estimates that the average cost of IVF in the United States is between $17,000 and $20,000 for the procedures and between $3,500 and $6,000 for the drugs, neither of which is typically covered by insurance.
We thought it was time to truly delve in and explore our possibilities by the time I was 36.
Fragile X carriers may have symptoms such as neuropsychiatric disorders, pain disorders, immunological illnesses, and early menopause even if they aren’t officially “affected” by FXS.
The National Fragile X Foundation estimates that 20% of carriers will experience primary ovarian insufficiency at some point in their lives and that 7% of carriers will menopause before the age of 29.
In addition to analyzing hormone levels and other health indicators, we also looked at viability for a potential pregnancy when we ultimately underwent genetic testing. It was discovered that I was showing signs of early menopause.
How to handle the early menopause
This fundamentally altered our perspective on parenthood, since it appeared that we would not be able to conceive biological children. We now had to come to terms with the fact that we couldn’t have children despite our desire for them.
A few years before, I had started having hot flashes and had problems falling asleep. My spouse would be awakened by my nighttime tossing and turning. And I froze him out of the bedroom by setting the thermostat so low in an attempt to become comfortable.
Along with the unexplainable flushing, I had been getting vivid red flushes on my face and chest. Because of my age, I simply hadn’t made the connection between it and a potential menopause. I knew that early menopause might happen, but my mother never went through it, so I didn’t anticipate going through it myself.
I had an intrauterine device (IUD) since I was a carrier of FXS and had experienced excruciating periods previously from polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). Therefore, irregularities in my monthly cycle had never pointed to a potential menopause.
In addition, I had put on weight and didn’t feel good about my appearance. Looking back, all of these symptoms pointed to an early menopausal stage.
I was furious at myself for not realizing it sooner and for not looking for answers. But now I had to deal with it. I had always desired children, but I hadn’t had any yet.
I placed the blame on myself
I was upset because I felt like I had waited too long. But up until then, that was just not a possibility.
I held myself, my physical condition, and bad luck responsible for my current predicament. I was envious of my friends who I had witnessed having kids. And sometimes I felt upset when I watched my friends continuing having kids. My sensations were intensified, and I was unsure of how to handle them all.
It’s difficult to live your entire life as a mother longing for her children and then adopt the permanent perspective of a mother without children.
But it is feasible.
Being a godmother is now one of my favorite things to do.
I do have godchildren and numerous friends whose kids I like and spoil since they are an extension of my beloved parents.
One of the most memorable experiences of my life was becoming a godmother to my closest friend’s three kids. These relationships hold great significance to me, despite the fact that we don’t get to see one other as frequently as we would like.
I really believe that my love for these three amazing individuals—who were a blessing in my life—is greater than my love for my own children.
My perspective on having children has changed from being a godmother and going through infertility.
A godmother is a particular kind of mother. I have an impact on their life and help to make them happy. I would sacrifice myself, go to war, and do just about anything for them. I have always been there for them when they have needed my assistance.
I am the aunt of my close friends who are parents. Though not as close as it is with my godchildren, it is still a close bond. I get to shower them with love and presents, have power over their lives, and be there for them when they need me.
What I found out
This is a story without a happy conclusion.
I’m still childless and haven’t gotten any closer to starting a family.
It’s hardly a depressing conclusion, though. That’s a fact of life. I am unable to alter who I am. And the more days I spend reflecting on my circumstances and the more days I spend connecting with others who understand me, the better off I am.
My destiny has always been to become a mother, but not to my own child or children descended from me. And I’ve discovered that I AM one. Not to my own kids, but I’m a mother to any kid in my community who might require a loaner.
